Painting.

I'm painting a room.

A song turns on.

Just one of the many.

And I find my self crying.

Big fat tears, just slowly rolling down my face. 

And I'm sure I look like an idiot,

Painting. Crying. All while trying to croak out that song that hurts so much.

Four years closer to seeing you again dear brother.

I can't wait.

Memories

Its funny how a little message can bring back a whole moment in time.

I was looking through the texts and pictures on an old phone of mine and I found this message from husband before we were married.

"Dear Emily, You're the best, I love you tons! I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Have a goodnight. I can't wait to be able to give you a big hug tomorrow. Don't forget to keep talking me up to the relatives. That would be much appreciated. I love you a whole lota lot! Goodnight, and remember to dream about me. Sincerely with love, Darrell James Malloy"

I glanced at the date to see when it was sent, May 20, 2009.

The day after.

Instantly, I was overcome with the memories that accompany that week of my life.

I was sleeping in my appartment in Logan. My phone rang just long enough to wake me and then it stopped. I glanced at the time: 6:05, missed call from Dad.

I almost rolled over and went back to sleep but something in the back of my mind reasoned that there isn't really a good reason that anyone would call me that early. I returned the call.

Bonnie answered but then my Dad took the phone. Then he said the words the will forever be burned into my memory.

"Adam's dead. Come home"

It wasn't just the words that will be stuck. Its the complete anguish that I heard in my father's voice. The way his voice cracked with emotion as he verbalized the horror that no parent wants to face. I don't know that I have ever heard my dad cry. Ever. But the way he said those words, well, I will never forget it.

I quickly got out of bed, stumbled around looking for my glasses and some shoes and all but ran out of the apartment, down the stairs and out the door to go to Darrell's apartment. I needed to talk to someone. It was windy, and a little grey outside. The sun had only just started to come up. It smelled like summer and clean and it was cool. I hurried down his stairs and tried to open the door. Locked. They never lock their door. I called him but his phone was on silent like it always was at night. I went back to the sidewalk in front of our building, in a daze, and sat down on the side walk and cried. Right there in my pajamas. Then I ran around to the other side of the apartment and knocked on Darrells window until he looked out and told him to open the door for me.

He did.

I told him what had happened and that I needed to go home.

I sat on his bed while he showered, trying to process.

Tyler and Matt were out in the hall when me and Darrell came out of his room, I told them "Adam died, I'm going home." The only words I have for the looks they gave me is bewilderment.

I don't even remember the drive home. I was so nervous to walk in the doors of my house. I didn't know what to expect. The whole day is a blur really.

I remember that it was windy all day.

My siblings gathered around my car while we tried to pour coolant into it before Darrell took it back to Logan. We laughed (too hard) when the wind blew the stream of coolant away from the opening and it spilled.

And my love, he was thinking about me even when he wasn't with me.

I will always be grateful that he was there for me when I needed him the most. Even if it was only through a text.

It goes like this...

I'm going about my daily business, organizing, putting things away, and I pause to look through some old photo albums.

The pictures make me:
Laugh
Smile
Feel embarrassed (just a little)

And then I see that picture. A normal day. One of the last. And the aching hurt comes. The one where you miss them so much that you would do just about anything just to talk to them again.

Sit at the counter and tease and laugh. Just for a few minutes.

a little visit {and letter}

hey brother!

we came to visit you the other day. you know, that day. it was pretty dreary. i was going to bring liam to meet you, but it was cold. and rainy. another time. we brought you some flowers :)  

I miss you! I'll come visit soon!

Love you!

Emily

a little letter

adam

hi brother!

its been a long time since i talked to you. you know, for real.
i miss you.
i was thinking about you the other day.
i wish you were here.
i wish i could see you cuddle liam the way that chad does.
you would like him.
he's a funny little guy.

how are you doing?
any good stories?
i have a few.
so i quit my job at walmart. sigh of relief for both of us right? that place was the pits.
and now i stay at home with baby.
all the time.

will it always hurt me that you are gone?
i mean, i know i'll see you someday but it feels so long.
i want a one of your big hugs!

miss you.
love you.

em

a little letter

dear adam:

hey there brother! so, as you know, i had my baby. he's amazingly beautiful. i'm jealous that you got to know him before i ever did. you're pretty lucky. and he's lucky. he got to know you. i look at that perfect baby and i get scared. i get afraid that the world is going to get him just like it got you. i hope you'll watch over him. help him. keep the world away from him. i'm not as strong as mom is and i can't... just... can't. so be there. i wish you were here to hold him. and kiss him. and love him. i miss you.
love you,

emily

a little letter

hey.

so it happened again. this is getting ridiculous. so chad is learning to play the guitar. your guitar in fact. and he's learning to play blackbird. your song. and he's getting pretty good. and then today i'm sitting here listening to music and it comes on. and its beautiful. and it made me think of you. and then i started crying. so silly. thats okay. i don't mind too much. just as long as no one is around to see it happen. then i don't feel as embarrassed. anyway, thats all. i love you.

em

a little letter

hey brother:

its been a while since my last letter. how are you doing? so at work the other day this kid came through my line. blond hair. kinda scruffy. he made this face and it looked just like a face you used to make. and i missed you. again. still. and then the other day i was going through some things and i found a handkerchief kyles mom made for me. it has your name embroidered on it. and she included a copy of your obituary. and it happened again. still. always. at bad times. and i cry. every time. but its good. cause i know you have some company right this very second. my little boy is with you. you better tell him nice things about me. or else. (thats kind of a bad threat cause really, what can i even do to you? really?) you know that tree? its HUGE. you would be so proud. oh, we went to the temple. seeing your name on that little blue card was beyond weird. those aren't supposed to be people that you know. just strangers that died in like 1792 or something. not adam michael green april 27 1990. i didn't like it very much. but we were all there at the same time. you and everyone else. together just for a little while.anyway, i love you. keep being amazing. cause you always were and always will be.

love, em

why hello

Dear Adam,
So nice to visit you today. I don't know who brought you the lovely flowers, but they looked so nice. I hope you know what a lovely view you have around you. So very pretty.

Oh and just so you know, just across the way from you is an area especially designated for pets. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... enjoy!

Love, Emily

homeward bound

Dear Adam:
Its been a year.
This song still makes me cry. (If only we hadn't had it performed at your funeral...)
I'm glad I know you went home to be with our Heavenly Father.
I just wish I could have one more minute.
I love you.
I'll see you again. I know.
Love, Emily

 Homeward Bound

In the quiet misty morning when the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing and the sky is clear and red.
When the summer’s ceased its gleaming,
When the corn is past its prime,
When adventure’s lost its meaning,
I’ll be homeward bound in time.

Bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow.
Set me free to find my calling and I’ll return to you somehow.

If you find it’s me you're missing, if you’re hoping I’ll return.
To your thoughts I’ll soon be list’ning, and in the road I’ll stop and turn.
Then the wind will set me racing as my journey nears its end.
And the path I’ll be retracing when I’m homeward bound again.

Bind me not to the pasture, chain me not to the plow.
Set me free to find my calling and I’ll return to you somehow.

In the quiet misty morning when the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing,
I’ll be homeward bound again.

music by marta keen, perfomed by the mormon tabernacle choir

i'm such a baby

is it bad that i cry when i read my own posts?

i do.

i can't help it.

that feeling just comes back with out even being invited.
(go away you mean feeling you)

i really should try to look at the bright side of things.

he's up there probably telling all the sibs future

children about how silly we all are.

he probably isn't even sad at all.

and he probably feels like hardly anytime has passed since the last time

i hugged him.

even though it feels

so. long.

and now that its nearly may...

its that month.

the one where i got that phone call that changed everything.

will it get better after this month?

i hope so.

until then, i'll put on a happy face and maybe.

just maybe.

the tears won't come too often

a{nother} little letter

dear adam,

i know i just wrote you a letter... but today is your birthday!

remember that one birthday where you got a cd player and the n'sync cd?

i was so jealous.

i love you

happy birthday

love, emily

(picture from family reunion 2008)

a little letter

dear adam:

the other night i was thinking about you.
i should have been sleeping. it was late. husband was asleep. but i couldn't.
there is this hole.
and i layed in bed trying not to cry late at night all alone.
but its there.
and it comes back whenever i picture your face. 
or think about that phone call when you were so excited that she called you back.
or those times you came to stay with me.
and when we went and applied for jobs together.

i still have your application in my car.

i can't throw it away.

i can't believe that it has almost been a year since that last time i drove away.
and dropped you off. 
i still get upset whenever i drive back there.
i want a hug. i want to see your smile. i want to see you pop out your pocket knife and laugh.


you know the way you would.


i wish i could talk to you.
tell you my secrets (you're good at keeping those)

i. miss. you. so. much. 
and that hole isn't going away yet.


i love you.


love, emily

i'm so excited i think i'm going to cry...

...or pee my pants. no seriously. i'm so so so excited.

there is this band that i really like. like really really really like. and adam went and saw them in concert once upon a time and i was supremely jealous. and they keep touring every where else in the world but they hadn't come to the u.s. for a while. well then they started touring in the u.s. but they weren't close to utah so i kept up this nonsensical idea that it would be fun to just, you know, drive to south carolina just to see  them. yeah. husband didn't really think that idea was the best one that i could have come up with so we didn't. but then one day close to christmas i walked in from work and husband was on the computer looking at ticket master so i asked him what he was looking at and guess what?!?! they were coming to utah so for christmas we bought tickets. EEEEEEE i'm so excited. and the even better part is that they are playing TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!!!! rain or snow we WILL be going to SLC for the concert. oh yeah and the band is MUSE!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE them. they are a rock band. but seriously. they are such amazing musicians. listen to this or this or this (like half way through... LOVE) and pretty much any other song that you see by them will be amazing. i'm so excited. i will have to let ya'll know how it goes. and hopefully i can locate my camera so i can document this event... otherwise i will be tremendously upset. my heart is actually hurting i'm so exciting... i think i need to calm down... and go to the bathroom...


dear weather:
please cooperate tomorrow

dear husband:
thanks for the best christmas present ever!!!!

dear adam:
i wish you could come with... but at least you got to see them perform at least once...

dear muse:
love

letters

dear weather:
please decide what you're going to do. snow, or don't snow... just pick one.

dear graduate school:
please just pick me. i don't want to find you... can't you just do all that work instead?

dear walmart:
you really aren't as bad as i think you are... i just don't like some of the people that come in. or working in general. not your fault.

dear summer time:
COME NOW

dear computer chair:
this morning when you broke when i sat on you, it hurt. so just for that, i'm going to put you in the garbage can. HA

dear pink nail polish:

love.
:D

dear adam:
missing you

dear husband:
you make my heart happy.

a little letter

dear adam,

hi brother.
how are ya?
i keep having this thing happen where i really miss you.





i'm sorry.

i'm sorry that we weren't better friends for such a long time.
i know we started getting there but then this thing happened and now you are gone.
i found that picture you took.
the one of me and d in the store.
and i think about that time we got a shake.
and how we applied for jobs together.
and i think about how fun you were.
and how you promised me you would buy me a car when you got rich because you knew that i would never be rich... silly
and how cute you were and how excited you were when you finished building you computer and really wanted to show somebody how awesome it was.

it was awesome.

i'm sorry that i wasn't there for you like i should have been.

i love you and i miss you.

love emily

dream

last night i had a dream.
which seems to be happening alot lately.
in my dream i was taking a walk with adam.
we were just walking.
maybe talking, but i don't really recall.
i remember feeling very peaceful.
and happy.
and then adam told me he was going to go the pool house (?)
to play some video games.
so he did.
and i kept walking.

a little letter

Dear Adam,

I really miss you. I wish you could be here to make me laugh. And give me one of your famous bear hugs. I sure hate these hard days.

Love you,

Emily

a little letter...

Dear Adam,

Hey brother! How are you doing? I hope just super fantastic! I really miss you, you know? I got a job at Walmart (stop laughing) and I just wanted you to know that thanks to you , every time somone comes through my line with certain vegetables (you know the ones) I can't help but laugh. Oh yeah, and for some reason I thought of when we got milkshakes and you got that cookie dough one? Remember? And you couldn't talk cause there was so much goodness at the bottom of it? Good times.
Its almost Christmas. I know, I know, you always acted like you were so put out to do 'family togetherness' stuff but I really wish you could be here to do it with us. Did you hear that Sean got his mission call? Don't worry, Dad didn't tell me either. I found out two days before his farewell!!! Rude. Oh yeah and Dad also got a new car. Its freakin' sweet. Though, I don't think you would love the bass so much... it kind of sucks. Bonnie tested it out.
Anyway, I love you. I can't wait to see you again.

I love you

Emily

a lttle letter (part two)

Dear Adam,

I know its been a little while since I last wrote you a letter but I was thinking about you on my way to work a couple days ago while I was listening to that song that I remember you liked. I couldn't help it, and I'm not going to lie, I might have cried a little. Don't laugh. Oh yeah, and I had a dream about you the other night too. Thanks, it made me feel better. How are you doing? I miss you!!!! I'm doing pretty good. I'm married now!!! I really think that the more you got to know Darrell, you would have really like him. I sure like him. I keep thinking about this school year and I wish you could be here going to school! Last night was the homecoming True Aggie night and today is our first home football game. I really really just wish you could watch it all with me. You will be. Anyway, I love you and I hope you're doing super awesome! See you soon.

Love,
Emily