first love

i met my first love when i was in elementary school.

we were not friends.

i became friends with him in middle school. i don't remember what happened, but i'd had a very rough day and he bought me lunch.

we developed some sort of relationship in high school, sometime during junior year. it wore off, as young relationships do.

still we remained friends.

senior year we started dating each other. he was so sweet and nice to me. i always felt comfortable with him. he made me feel special. we spent many lunch hours together, laughing. i could always talk to him. we shared many secrets. we even shared a birthday.

the summer after we graduated, we spent as much time together as we could. i was moving for school and he was staying home but it truly seemed like the end of the world when i would think about leaving. he had very little to say about me moving away to school. after all, what could he say? i was 17 and he was 18 and we had our whole lives ahead of us. not time for any sort of commitment.

the night before i was supposed to move, we were together. we sat on my drive way for as long as we could. neither of us really wanting the night to end, because it felt like the end of something. he whispered, "i don't want you to go" and then kissed me. a first kiss for both of us. i quickly went into my house and spent a restless night trying to sleep, dreading my move in the morning.

as time passed, we talked frequently. at least once a day if not more. he brought me flowers on our birthday. i spent as much time with him as i could when i would go home to visit.

somewhere along all this time i'd fallen in love with that boy.

the day our relationship ended is one i only remember as full of tears. i cried because i knew it was time for our story to end. i didn't want it to, i only knew that it was time. as i made the call to him, i hoped that i could go through with it. when he answered, i knew something was wrong. he told me he had something to say. i let him break up with me. it was just easier that way.

my first heartbreak came my freshman year of college.

it was november.  and cloudy out. my cousin sat by me on the porch of our apartment as i said good bye to my first love.

one day, quite a few months later as i was driving, i looked at the mountains, freshly covered in snow, and realized that my heart had stopped aching. i had finally let my first love go.

Memories

Its funny how a little message can bring back a whole moment in time.

I was looking through the texts and pictures on an old phone of mine and I found this message from husband before we were married.

"Dear Emily, You're the best, I love you tons! I can't wait to see you tomorrow. Have a goodnight. I can't wait to be able to give you a big hug tomorrow. Don't forget to keep talking me up to the relatives. That would be much appreciated. I love you a whole lota lot! Goodnight, and remember to dream about me. Sincerely with love, Darrell James Malloy"

I glanced at the date to see when it was sent, May 20, 2009.

The day after.

Instantly, I was overcome with the memories that accompany that week of my life.

I was sleeping in my appartment in Logan. My phone rang just long enough to wake me and then it stopped. I glanced at the time: 6:05, missed call from Dad.

I almost rolled over and went back to sleep but something in the back of my mind reasoned that there isn't really a good reason that anyone would call me that early. I returned the call.

Bonnie answered but then my Dad took the phone. Then he said the words the will forever be burned into my memory.

"Adam's dead. Come home"

It wasn't just the words that will be stuck. Its the complete anguish that I heard in my father's voice. The way his voice cracked with emotion as he verbalized the horror that no parent wants to face. I don't know that I have ever heard my dad cry. Ever. But the way he said those words, well, I will never forget it.

I quickly got out of bed, stumbled around looking for my glasses and some shoes and all but ran out of the apartment, down the stairs and out the door to go to Darrell's apartment. I needed to talk to someone. It was windy, and a little grey outside. The sun had only just started to come up. It smelled like summer and clean and it was cool. I hurried down his stairs and tried to open the door. Locked. They never lock their door. I called him but his phone was on silent like it always was at night. I went back to the sidewalk in front of our building, in a daze, and sat down on the side walk and cried. Right there in my pajamas. Then I ran around to the other side of the apartment and knocked on Darrells window until he looked out and told him to open the door for me.

He did.

I told him what had happened and that I needed to go home.

I sat on his bed while he showered, trying to process.

Tyler and Matt were out in the hall when me and Darrell came out of his room, I told them "Adam died, I'm going home." The only words I have for the looks they gave me is bewilderment.

I don't even remember the drive home. I was so nervous to walk in the doors of my house. I didn't know what to expect. The whole day is a blur really.

I remember that it was windy all day.

My siblings gathered around my car while we tried to pour coolant into it before Darrell took it back to Logan. We laughed (too hard) when the wind blew the stream of coolant away from the opening and it spilled.

And my love, he was thinking about me even when he wasn't with me.

I will always be grateful that he was there for me when I needed him the most. Even if it was only through a text.

okay, the truth is...

i have this really terrible problem.

and it seems to cause me lots of embarassement.

i can't remember people's names.

at.all.

i kid you not, i could learn someone's name and before we have finished talking, i won't be able to remember it any more.

as i'm sure you can imagine, this makes meeting people a little difficult.

kind of reminds me of modern family... have you seen it?

yup, i need to get me some mnemonic devices...