first love

i met my first love when i was in elementary school.

we were not friends.

i became friends with him in middle school. i don't remember what happened, but i'd had a very rough day and he bought me lunch.

we developed some sort of relationship in high school, sometime during junior year. it wore off, as young relationships do.

still we remained friends.

senior year we started dating each other. he was so sweet and nice to me. i always felt comfortable with him. he made me feel special. we spent many lunch hours together, laughing. i could always talk to him. we shared many secrets. we even shared a birthday.

the summer after we graduated, we spent as much time together as we could. i was moving for school and he was staying home but it truly seemed like the end of the world when i would think about leaving. he had very little to say about me moving away to school. after all, what could he say? i was 17 and he was 18 and we had our whole lives ahead of us. not time for any sort of commitment.

the night before i was supposed to move, we were together. we sat on my drive way for as long as we could. neither of us really wanting the night to end, because it felt like the end of something. he whispered, "i don't want you to go" and then kissed me. a first kiss for both of us. i quickly went into my house and spent a restless night trying to sleep, dreading my move in the morning.

as time passed, we talked frequently. at least once a day if not more. he brought me flowers on our birthday. i spent as much time with him as i could when i would go home to visit.

somewhere along all this time i'd fallen in love with that boy.

the day our relationship ended is one i only remember as full of tears. i cried because i knew it was time for our story to end. i didn't want it to, i only knew that it was time. as i made the call to him, i hoped that i could go through with it. when he answered, i knew something was wrong. he told me he had something to say. i let him break up with me. it was just easier that way.

my first heartbreak came my freshman year of college.

it was november.  and cloudy out. my cousin sat by me on the porch of our apartment as i said good bye to my first love.

one day, quite a few months later as i was driving, i looked at the mountains, freshly covered in snow, and realized that my heart had stopped aching. i had finally let my first love go.