a little letter

dear adam:

the other night i was thinking about you.
i should have been sleeping. it was late. husband was asleep. but i couldn't.
there is this hole.
and i layed in bed trying not to cry late at night all alone.
but its there.
and it comes back whenever i picture your face. 
or think about that phone call when you were so excited that she called you back.
or those times you came to stay with me.
and when we went and applied for jobs together.

i still have your application in my car.

i can't throw it away.

i can't believe that it has almost been a year since that last time i drove away.
and dropped you off. 
i still get upset whenever i drive back there.
i want a hug. i want to see your smile. i want to see you pop out your pocket knife and laugh.


you know the way you would.


i wish i could talk to you.
tell you my secrets (you're good at keeping those)

i. miss. you. so. much. 
and that hole isn't going away yet.


i love you.


love, emily